Sharing isn't easy, no matter how old you are.

I have pondered the idea of having a blog for well over a year now. I love writing and I love agriculture. I want more people to understand that farmers have families, we have trials, and we have happiness. Just like you. That is my main reason for this blog. But every time I sit down to write, I really just never think what I wanna share is worth the read or "good enough". I also worry about my spelling and punctuation because let's be honest, I am much better at budgeting or figuring out planting or chemical ratio's then I am at proper English. For awhile I thoroughly considered sending every post to be proof read by my oldest sister (whom knows everything) but have since realized that was also a bit ridiculous.

My list of excuses has been pretty long until this past week, I finally realized what I wanted to write about.  It finally just clicked, and it probably should have a long time ago. I'm hoping this helps inspire me to write more, or this really could be the last time you hear from me. Ha!
 

For those who don't know I have a wild little almost three year old boy, named Jack. I am a single mom, and have been since he was five weeks old. That sentence right there, still stings almost three years later. I should also note that I am newly engaged to the love of my life. The feelings I once had of being all alone, are now all gone. He loves Jack and I so much. I am so grateful. Out of all the emotions I felt back then and in the 18 months after I had Jack, I never even had the idea of how hard "sharing" a child could be. For myself, Jack and his dad. Today is Father's Day, and Jack went to spend it with his dad at 9am this morning. But he is also visiting him for the entire week, for the first time. A whole week. Jack's never been away from home longer then two days, let alone seven days. I have been trying to process this arrangement for over a week now, and when I woke up this morning and it was just like a bad dream.

Over the last week I don't know how many phases of coping I have went through. I cried myself to sleep some nights. A few days I didn't get out of bed to go check water because I was feeling so depressed. I researched statistics on split families. I cried some more to my mom. Then I cried to Cole. I prayed. I got mad at being a single mom all over again. I prayed some more, because I knew God showed me a long time ago his plan for me. Then I played with Jack a whole bunch. I tried to put myself in his dads shoes, thinking how excited he must be. I went running, a lot. I tried to plan a busy week for myself. Then this morning I walked Jack out to his dad, and immediately turned back up to my parents house sobbing. 

How has co-parenting a child become "the norm" in America? How did I become a statistic? It is AWFUL. I want to scream it at the top of my lungs how much I freaking hate it. I am a numbers gal so I have found some statistics at www.thebondedfamily.com that help put things into perspective.

•  48% of all first marriage will eventually end in divorce 
• 2,100 new blended families are formed EVERY DAY in America
• Over 65% of Americans are now a stepparent, a stepchild, a stepsibling,          step-grandparent or touched directly by a stepfamily scenario
• By 2010, blended families/step-families will be the most common form of family in America   

 Take a second to wrap your mind around those. How insane that so many people go a week, or many weeks/months without seeing their child. I guess I also selfishly find comfort in those numbers because I know I am not the only man or women trying to figure out what to do with time when your baby is gone. I know so many families that are amazing and functioning blended families. I should also note that I am the product of one. My parents were so good at raising us, that I never knew some of my siblings had a different parent until I was well... pretty old! I know I am lucky in my situation that my son has a dad that is involved, and without a doubt loves him. But it is so frustrating to see so kids have to bounce back and forth between two parents households. As parents we both will never get to be 100% happy because we will both always have to go some time without our son. Someday when I have more kids, they will always have to miss their brother when he is gone.

I've always wanted to be a mom as long as I can remember. I wanted to marry a farmer and have lots of babies and work beside my husband the rest of my life. Seriously, that is my dream life. Thankfully I have found that a few years later. I wish I could explain to young girls how having a baby when you are so young can change your life forever. There were times I was jobless, couldn't afford healthcare for my son, and hand me downs were the only clothes he got. I was spending thousands of dollars fighting for custody of my son, with money I didn't have. Thanks to my parents we always had a roof over our head, and food in our bellies. Those were the darkest days of my life.. I am so thankful for my parents and God, because they carried me in my time of need. Thankfully somewhere between the time Jack was 12-18 months old I found myself again. I just often think about so many young women who aren't that fortunate. How are they coping amongst us? What life choices can people differently to give our children better futures?

Looking back I know all of the decisions made have been the right ones. Having a baby when I was too young, and getting out of a relationship that was entirely wrong for me. Those are two of my five proudest moments in life. After making those decisions, I somehow found myself. But they are also the lessons that continually teach me, every day of my life.


YIKES, I JUST DID THIS!

xo, kylie